Abnormal

Dr. Bonner called me today with the results from the D&C and the chromosomes are

abnormal.  Surprisingly this is what we were hoping for, so ultimately it's a good thing to be

abnormal.  It explains why the miscarriage happened.  Something wasn't right with the

baby's chromosomes.  If the chromosomes had come back normal, they would have no idea

why the miscarriage occurred.  They would do tests to try to find an answer but she said

they normally never find anything anyway and it becomes more frustrating.  

The only negative with the abnormal result is it has been three miscarriages in a row now.

With no other reason to explain them, that is simply a lot of bad eggs.  There's no

guaranteeing whether the next egg will be good or bad.  I might get pregnant and everything

will go fine.  Or there's a chance it will end in another miscarriage.  It really comes down to

how much I can take emotionally.  But at this point, I'm not ready to give up.  I truly believe

that things will happen when they are supposed to, but I'm really hoping that's soon

because this has not been easy.

I tried to be so strong and convince myself that things were alright after the last one.  I told

myself that things happen for a reason and it would happen when the time was right.  I let

people know I was OK and I was moving on.  But what's weird is as much as my head was

telling me to be strong, my heart was falling apart without me realizing it.  I'd have emotional

days here and there, but then they got a little more frequent.  I had tried so hard to suppress

my feelings and tell myself I was OK, but there's no way to make those feelings go away.  

We've been trying for 9 months to get pregnant.  I've been pregnant 3 times, miscarried 3

times, had an unsuccessful D&C followed up by another one a week later, and I've been

waiting 3 weeks since then to find out exactly what is going on with my body and what the

future holds for expanding our family.  I don't care how strong you are or how much your

head tells you to be OK, that is a lot for anyone to take.

But for today I'm hopeful.  Hopeful that things go better the next time

and we are able to add a third healthy baby to our family.